Can you help me out of this super-strange problem...? ?

Stop beating yourself up. We can't help who we love. My advice to you is, since you seem so unhappy, you would probably benefit from some therapy...I mean this in the sincerest manner. No one should have to go for years feeling miserable and unhappy. Your objective now is to get your life back on track and I strongly feel therapy and a chance to unload your problems on someone elses professional shoulders would do you a world of good. Take care and my best wishes go out to you.